Having Your Cake and Eating It Too: The Lucky Girl’s Guide to Getting What You Want

Stuck in a rut? Had your leg recently amputated? Learned your ancestors were slave owners? Well look no further. We are here to help you in all areas of your life and help you get exactly what you want, when you want. 

1. You want that guy to like you? Well you’ve come to the wrong place for that, maybe check out A Smart Girl’s Guide to Boys by American Girl. I will say though, shower regularly, get a perm, and brush up on your foreign languages because every American guy is a big fat duck.
2. Want to have lots of money? Pay with hugs and kisses. Or learn to save your money, you stereotypical American over-consumer! You’d probably be a millionaire by now if it weren’t for those tupperware sets and that BoFlex 500 impulse buy.
3. Want to expand your social life? Go to college ragers. Specifically Ivy League ragers, where they wear Tevas, drink alcohol at all hours of the day, and discuss foreign agenda. 
4. Want to make more friends? Make a LinkedIn account, a Google+ account, and go to neighborhood meetings and meet that one mom who has gone through too many vans and orders creamer and fish sticks from Schwans delivery trucks.
5. Want people to like you a bit more? Stop ordering an iced latte with the ice on the side. And maybe get rid of those nervous eyes and seasons 1-6 of Seinfeld on box set (jk keep those they will be worth so much in coming years.)
6. Want toned thighs? So do I. 
7. Want to be sexy? Girls- less is more. Also, make sure a guy catches you in the dentists office reading Family Circle and Better Homes and Gardens. This will make you seem like wife material. Guys- sit in a coffee shop and write in your journal and post American poems on Instagram- show your sensitive side. As long as you are poetic and philosophical and occasionally shop at REI, the world is your oyster. 
8. Want to keep your healthy scalp? Use Head & Shoulders (knees and toes), and coconut oil & greek yogurt hair masks to deflake those lil suckers.
9. Want to keep your insides up and running? Go gluten-free. No seriously, it’s life changing. Also kombucha, hemp seeds, coconut water, hot yoga, and fresh air (on NPR) will keep those organs nice and tuned.
10. Slowly decomposing away? Losing your wits and nuts and bolts? Here’s how to keep your youth: laughter is everywhere and it can help you live longer. Take care of your body and find time for yourself and those who matter most. You will learn that there is no love like a mother’s love and no time like the present. Look up from your phone, stop instagramming that garbage and go plant some plants or simply relax in a tube. 
11. (#10 continuation) Want to keep your youth? Go with the flow, with the waters. Don’t have a stick up your rear. Enjoy good wine, bad television, and don’t forget to pumice your feet. (Yes, that is what that thing does. Now use it!)
12. Want to keep your lips extra kissable? Use rose salve or Vaseline every night before bed or whenever necessary. Keep those puckers extra soft and at the ready (to bite into your next gluten-free meal.)
13. Want to rid of that weird rash? Me too.
14. Want to retain moisture in your hands? Well, let me tell you about a new feat I’ve just recently discovered. Use your remaining coffee grounds as an exfoliant. It smooths and moisturizes, leaving your hands extra soft and ready to hold anyone’s hand or pet the nearest puppy. 
15. Want to be the next Oprah? Michelle Obama? Barbara Walters? As if!!!!!
16. Want to graduate college with a 4.0? Get off your phone and open a book for one. Go to class, make valuable connections in your department, travel abroad, get an internship, and steer clear of that questionable “fish” in the dining hall. I ate some of that once, and now I have to settle for a 3.9. Srsly though, if you really want something in life, nothing is stopping you (except for the on-campus bike police). 
17. Want to be the change you see in the world? Stop repeating that timeworn quote and actually do something you see no one else doing. 
18. Want to be more intellectually minded? Learn the art of being bored. It is okay to be bored and left alone with your thoughts rather than cluttering it with technological noise. Also surround yourself with people who encourage intellectual banter. And NPR is always a good idea (especially Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me! with Carl Kassell and Peter Sagal.)
19. Want to live simply? Buy some overalls, plant some begonias, turn on some bluegrass, read your Bible, meditate, make a cup of french press coffee. Be mindful and present.
20. Want to have a life? Don’t sit in your basement writing a list of success tips. 

*If you do all of this within the next 24 hours, you should see results. If not, call our complaint hotline at 

1-800-IMREADYTOPARTY